The (Not Quite) Twelve Days of Christmas

I thought I'd post my twelve favourite things about Christmas in honour of the 12 Days of Christmas. However, I got a little sidetracked so this is somewhat late.

1. Christmas shopping. I know that sounds mildly insane, but I actually enjoy it. I love buying people gifts, of course the shopping centres are pure madness. I just sit down and have a coffee if it all gets too much.
2. The excuse to eat all the seafood my body can handle. One moment, just have to wipe the drool off the keyboard there.
3. Christmas is the one day of the year where I can spend hours eating and watching TV without that pesky feeling that I really should be doing something more productive.
4. Bad Christmas specials. Pay TV really cranks it up a notch. Gray and I have been watching an increasingly crappy series of Christmas Documentaries on the Travel Channel this week. Fantastic.
5. Putting the decorations UP.
6. Rolling around on the lounge after lunch clutching my stomach and groaning.
7. Hard sauce. Sure it's about 98% fat, but it is delicious.
8. The glut of junk mail we get at this time of year. I do love a good catalogue.
9. Seeing all my family which is fantastic and I can't wait to get to Sydney on Sunday.
10. Christmas Cracker Hats
11. Christmas Cracker Jokes
12. Stupid headwear- Santa hats, reindeer antlers and the rather fetching sparkly red cowboy hat with fluffy white trim I saw at the discount shop yesterday.

I'm now officially full of festive cheer.

Queen Lumpovina of the Grass Seeds

This week Gray and myself received a fabulous Christmas present. A $700 vet bill. Steffi's unceasing desire to chew everything in sight has finally backfired.

On Saturday morning I noticed a rather large lump on the side of her head. She wasn't howling in pain or sleeping any more than her usual 16 hours a day so we thought it'd be safe to take her to the vet on Monday. It was safe to take her to the vet on Monday. Expensive, but safe. Turns out Ol' Chompy had managed to get a grass seed into a cut, which had then turned into an abscess and then become fibrous. She had her lumpectomy yesterday and is now trotting around the house crashing into everything courtesy of the plastic collar to stop her scratching the stitches.

I know that, in theory anyway, it's wrong to laugh at someone in pain. I just can't help myself though. She is getting the collar caught on absolutely everything, including my legs. Every time she tries to lick my legs I get more contact with the plastic than with her tongue. Ont eh upside, we can't lose her. All we have to do is listen for the crashing sounds.

Kids Today

I know I'm going to sound like a grumpy old fart here, but I really don't get kids sometimes.

How is a fart funny? Did I ever laugh when someone let one rip? I don't remember finding it funny, but I guess I must have. The kids actually wanted me to kick someone out for being gassy yesterday. I figured that as a I can't punish them for breathing, I can't really eject them for popping a few smelly ones.

Things I also don't see the entertainment value in:
1. Breaking pencils
2. Throwing pencils
3. Throwing paper
4. Throwing bags
5. Making humming noises that annoy the other students more than the teacher
6. Calling everyone and everything in sight "so gay"
7. Creating your own tag - hours of fun for all budding criminals
8. Staring into space instead of doing the "boring" work
9. Not being able to read because you spend every lesson staring into space
10. Banging on walls

Call me a doddering old fool, but I just don't get it. Now I'm off to place my order for a hotted up, neon green Zimmer frame. If I'm going to get all old and cranky, I'm damn well going to do it in style!

I'm a Cold Weather Bunny

So I woke up this morning and for just one tiny, lovely little moment I thought I was in Montreal. Then I realised that the traffic noise was just my airconditioner and the cold was also just my airconditioner. It was gorgeous there for a moment. I was in a place where the nighttime temperature drops below 29. I was in a place with real shops. I was in a place where there is a great dearth of I Fish and I Vote and Forced to Work, Live to Fish bumper stickers.

Then I came tumbling back down to Earth. Harrumph.

When Is Too Early?

Is 9.30 too early for bed on a Friday night? I fear that I am becoming old before my time. I'm already halfway there anyway, what with my love of Midsomer Murders and all. maybe I need to go out, do some Jager shots and dance on a table to reverse the process. What say you?

More on why I hate Darwin.

So it's hot. Incredibly freaking hot. Stick your head in the freezer hot. Oh, and did I mention the heat?

Also, the headline of Tuesday's paper was Trouser Snake on a Plane with the following photo:


I think you all get the picture.

Dear God, why me?

So I arrived back in Darwin on the red-eye after six lovely days in Melbourne. I knew the rot had set in from the moment I got on the check-in queue, for one thing, I was queuing with Darwinites. Just to enlighten those people who don't know, and invite some flaming hate mail from Territorians, that means a bunch of people with no sense of humour and very little patience or understanding. I could go on here, but I don't really have the time or inclination to go into the reasons why hanging with the Darwinites makes me feel like I'm back in high school again (and not in a good, no job or responsibility way, more in an everyone is staring at me because I just said the wrong thing and don't fit in with the popular crowd way). Instead I shall discuss one of the other joys of the Territory - cane toads.

All was well when I got home last night- Steffi was so excited Mummy was home that she was running around in circles and was not frothing at the mouth from playing with one of her favourites ugly, slimy, living toys. After a good half hour being slobbered to death (Steffi) and having my nose chewed off (Digger) I took myself off to bed and slept without the aid of an airplane seat. Yay! This morning, however, as I was taking the rubbish out I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. It was too small, slow and dark to be Digger on another escape attempt so I didn't really pay much attention. Until I realised that it looked distinctly toad like.

My first thought was that I had never seen one out in the daylight before. My second thought was, great, now I have to pick it up. Things just got better from there. As I watched it, I realised that Toady was not hopping so much as dragging. Yes, that's right, we had a paralysed cane toad in our yard. I can take a pretty good guess as to how it got that way- involving something brown and excitable that loves licking feet. One should always start the day by disposing of poisonous fauna with broken backs

On the bright side I have now confirmed my theory that the cane toads aren't killing Steffi because she just plays with them until they no longer move enough to amuse her, thus not ingesting enough of the poison. Who woulda thunk that her sadistic streak/criminally short attention span was a life saver?

Damn Gray!

So Gray is away till the end of October on a course. Whilst he gets to lap it up in Melbourne (read: get away from the frikkin' heat), I am left on dog patrol. Or, more specifically, cane toad watch. The week before Gray left, Steffi got two of them. Which is fine, we can tag team. With Gray gone, it's a whole different story. I don't mind chasing a very reluctant dog around the house with a wet tea towel so I can scrub the flesh from her gums. That's fine, it's a sport really. The real problem comes when I have to dispose of the blasted creatures myself. I am not strong of stomach and having to even look at a dead animal is enough to send me screaming for WIRES.

The cane toads are slimy. And ugly. And half dead. It really is a very special form of torture.

And they wonder why I'm counting down the minutes till I leave Darwin (it's a lot by the way).

It's too early!

Looks the build-up has decided to arrive early. The humidity has been getting higher all week. Not crazy high yet, just 60-70%, but I keep an eye on the Weather Station dooby-thing we have sitting on top of the TV and it is definitely rising. Very soon it will be up in the 90s and my glasses will start fogging up every time I walk outside.

I'm sure I must have done something to upset God/Gods/Karma, take your pick, why else would the worst season of the year in this hell hole come early? How can I make amends? I'm thinking of offering some corn, or my first born. Just kidding about the corn, i would never waste food.

Gray left for a course in Melbourne today so he will be enjoying a nice spring for the next two months whilst I lay comatose and pants-less in a pool of my own sweat on the lounge. I've seriously got to get to work on those sacrifices to appease the deities of your choice.

Dogs are evil

I love Steffi, I really do, but she does love to create mischief. She dug herself a great den out the front of the house so she can snuggle up in the cool earth. I'm sure it's lovely for her. What isn't lovely, however, was the reaction of the DHA inspector. Steffi is now working on how to pull up the chicken wire. We should just rename her Destructo and be done with it.

She is currently ignoring me completely as she tries in vain to get at the cats' food. Poor Abby, between Oscar eating everything in sight and Steffi's ongoing obsession with that yummy food on top of the freezer, I'm surprised she actually gets to eat on the odd ocassion.

To make me feel better Digger is cutely curled up on the lounge trying his hardest to get a little sleep.

Insulting Politicians

So yeah, I managed to offend a politician on Saturday. I'm somewhat proud, but also somewhat mortified. Politicians are used to being insulted, so it tkaes some work to offend them.

I was doing my usual election trick of steadfastly avoiding eye contact with all the crazy people handing out "How to Vote" cards out the front (this time donning sombreros WTF?). Turns out one of them was actually a candidate trying to greet me and my response was not "Hi", but "No". He was quite offended (although was sombrero-less). Maybe this will teach me to look at people before I'm openly hostile.

On a more ridiculous note, there were only two candidates in my election, so the how to vote cards were a rather large waste of paper. How else was I going to direct my preferences?

Voting day

Who do vote for in an election that you don't give a toss about?

Damn compulsory voting.

All the Fun of an Election Campaign...

So with only days before the Northern Territory election, which I'm sure has all of you on your the edge of your collective seats, I'd like to share with you some of favourite political chicanery from recent weeks:

1. Sticking an "L" plate over someones face. We must never elect anyone with no experience you see, although I'm a little stuck as to what we do when the incumbent finally croaks and we have nobody with experience left. I think I have the vapours.
2. The brilliant banner I saw slung up across the road from the service station while we were wrestling with the joys of renting a trailer just to get rid of the damned palm fronds (they are evil I tell you). I believe it read something like this "Honk! If you want safer schools and sustainable development." Now there's a call to arms that's up there with the whole I have a dream thing.
3. My local member seems to be having a barbecue in the park EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. Where on earth is the man getting all the sausages from? Is he backed by the meat industry? Should I expect to see some men in blue aprons dancing past my window shortly? (On a side note, I did love those meat ads)
   
4. The candidate who lost his seat at the federal election and is now trying for this one. Like that annoying kid who wants an invite to your birthday party in primary school, he figures that if he just keeps bugging you, eventually you'll have to give in. To further my suspicions his slogan is "Dave's My Mate", I wonder if he just thinks we've got the really cool lolly bags with the sherbies and banana lollies

I have come to be extremely glad for a three week election campaign, although it has reduced the amount of free comedy for me, at least I don't have to pretend I care for very long.

I Love A Long Weekend

That will be all, thank-you.

I really should pay more attention

So it turned out that yesterday was a pupil free day. Didn't pick up on that one until I walked into the staffroom and talked about my classes. Apparently the lack of students on the grounds wasn't a good clue for me. Nor for that matter was the principal telling us about it in the staff meeting last term. In my defense, staff meetings are a special kind of torture. Maybe if they gave out chocolates. And wine. Yes chocolates and wine. I may or may not pay more attention but at least I would always be on time.

I also failed to notice that the NT government called an election. Not that I know a thing about either party anyway. A few weeks ago I did a phone poll about the possibility of a Territory election. I believe my responses went a little something like this:

Poll-y Person: Who did you vote for in the last Territory election?

Me: Wasn't here.

Poll-y Person: What issues are important to you in a future election.

Me: None. Don't care.

Poll-y Person: Who would you vote for if an election was called in the next two months?

Me: Dunno.

They must have been thrilled at my responses. I think I was incredibly valuable to their research. I am truly a poller's dream.

Pretty Shiny Things

I went a little crazy today with the shopping. I just meant to buy a printer cartridge and get my rings resized because this damn heat has made my fingers puffy- more on that later. I may have somehow ended up buying some clothes and shoes as well. As we all know, if there is one thing I need more of it is shoes, 40 pairs just ain't enough.

So I got this pretty skirt from Portmans:
And these shiny sandals from Witchery, although they are silver with white trim:
As I said, pretty and shiny.

Onto the story about the rings. I can see those of you who know me wonder why it has taken me two years to realise that tight rings are a bad thing. I would like to say that I am just really tough, but the truth is simply that I am incredibly lazy. So what made me move off my lazy arse? I was watching Fire 000 last night and they had to cut a ring off a woman's finger. Yes, it took that to make me realise that it may be a good idea to be able to remove my jewelery with intervention from the emergency services. Although that would one to tell the grandkids...

Why Does It Go So Fast?

I am very upset, the new school term is approaching. I only have a few days of holidays left. I think I may have sabotaged myself with this whole thing by leaving all my planning until the last minute. I only have one lesson planned so far. But i did buy some shiny new text books so I'm trying to convince myself that makes up for it. If I say it enough it's true.

Gray got his course date today for the basic signaller course. he starts on the first of September which is fantastic because I get to keep him for an extra month before he goes. Yay! I think his course will run over school holidays too so I will be able to visit him. Rarely is the army so (unintentionally) accommodating.

Am I Too Old To Throw a Tantrum?

I know that it is childish and immature, but I want an iPhone and I want it now!!! Yes, I am shallow, it is pretty, but I'm also a Mac lover so that's my excuse. What's yours?

I can't get one till next month when my contract expires though which is infuriating. The real reason for my crankiness is the problems my current phone seems to have. The stupid thing runs out of battery in a few hours if I don't have reception. Why is that a problem you may ask? My house has metal walls and thus crap reception inside. Maybe my phone just doesn't like Darwin either...

I still think this whole problem can be solved if I just throw myself on the floor in the middle of Woolies and start crying and thumping the floor.

Yay For Me!

I'm going to Evoo for the degustation dinner tonight! I am so very excited. And this time I won't be throwing up my entire meal in the restaurant bathroom shortly after. Classy, I know. I'm sure the other people in the bathroom thought I was just really drunk.

A nice meal AND no gastro. Score!

All Full of Passy Goodness

I'm all very excited (but still a little disappointed). Gray finally passed his fitness test so he will be off on his corps transfer course soon. I'm happy he finally got through it, between bush trips, crippling foot problems and awful gastro (which I may be a teensy bit responsible for) I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen. Mind you I was kind of hoping in a perverse way that he would fail so he could leave the army and we could move back to civilisation. I know it's wrong, but I don't really care.

So now I'm stuck here for another year, but Gray does get to follow his dream, so I guess I can put up with it. I'm such a martyr.

A Long Time Between Drinks

I have returned! I would compare myself to a certain religious figure but I might be fined for annoying Catholics. I would like to thank Bec and Andrew for my return. Not only have their travels around Europe inspired me, but their blogging has inspired me to resume my insipid ramblings.

So where are we in the story? Darwin is driving me mad. The heat, the fruit loops. I have taken to reading the texts to the editor as a hobby. The insane ramblings about Southerners are a sight to behold. Who needs Harry Potter when you have such gems as these...

"Wanna no wot I find hilarious? Southerners that think they can come 2 Darwin and make a name 4 themselves. When they realise they can’t, they are hurt and feel it’s necessary send a Darwin bash text 2 the paper. After they have finished sobbing, they go back 2 mum’s house."

"Who are these clowns who have been calling themselves locals after 5 years or so. Been here 4 20 yrs and i know that i am not local. As far as I’m concerned yr either from here or yr not, and we know who they are."

"Southerners will never take over the territory cause most run back home to their overcrowded hell holes. Keep your eyes closed and keep running."

Who needs sitcoms? I have my very own. (And it is surely better than Two and a Half Men any day.)